Our neighborhood, Irvington, is wonderful and we love it. But the truth is, outside of our cozy little block of historic two-bedroom bungalows, the east side of Indy is littered with payday loan stores. These are only outnumbered by gas stations, pawn shops, and rent-to-own furniture stores. Every day, I drive by a cash advance store, and this morning I noticed something quite phenomenal for sale. Identity theft! For only $9.95, you too can be the proud owner (purchaser?) of identity theft! Don’t believe me? Check it out:
Boy, was I excited to see this! Like everyone else, I am pretty scared of identity theft. The news anchors are always tipping us off to clever new scams designed to pull the wool over the unsavvy consumer’s eyes, and I probably receive about 2 emails per week warning me against predators trying to steal my identity. And as if the online opportunities for thieves are not enough, less technically advanced criminals are now just breaking into homes. Instead of looking for jewelry in the bedroom or expensive lawn equipment in the garage, they now look for computers and documents. My neighbors suffered a burglary a few months ago. The perps swiped a new laptop, birth certificates, passports, social security cards, and of course credit card and bank statements! Not good.
So you can imagine my surprise when I realized that for the low price of $9.95, I can…well, I can actually buy…identity theft! There’s no better way to protect yourself from something scary than to just buy it outright! I mean, when big corporations are afraid of another organization’s success in the same field, the solution is obvious to the CEO, CFO, COO, and of course the board of directors. To get rid of the competition, just buy them out! Merger is a six-letter word, but necessarily a dirty one…as long as you are at the top of the food chain, of course. Middle managers break out in a cold sweat after hearing the word “merger” whispered at the company picnic, but shareholders are on the phone to Miles, their real estate broker, seeking a posh house in the Hamptons to celebrate the inevitable growth of their already pregnant investment portfolios.
Yes, buying something makes it yours. And when it’s yours, it’s not scary anymore. If you owned the mafia, they would have to do what you told them. Guido would be at your beck-and-call. And Guido isn’t that scary anymore when he’s picking up your dry cleaning and driving to the post office to drop off all of those mysterious packages you’re always sending to “the boys” in Chicago, NYC, and Miami.Â
I debated whether it would be wise for me to tell the world about this amazing opportunity to purchase–and be master of–identity theft. I mean, if you all go out and buy it first, where does that leave me? But, geography is on my side. There are two people who might actually read this blog post, and unfortunately for them, I live closer to the store. Iron-clad identity is only a purchase away. Don’t hate me because I beat you to the punch, ya’ll!
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